Second Chance?

I’ve always prided myself on my plans. I have always had a strong sense of where I am and where I plan to go. But lately it is starting to feel as though my control over where I’m going and what I’m doing has diminished. I want so many things. I have so many goals. I’m trying so hard to achieve said goals, but it feels as though I’m just a few steps shy of where I need to be.  But, they’re the integral steps. It is as if I’m running to catch up to where I need to be – to the goals, or to the ideas I need to learn… and for every step I take, my goals have advanced ten more.  I feel as though I cannot catch up. I know that I’m probably so enmeshed in this-that part of my problem is I’m too close to the issue.  But, I’m scared.

I don’t have a back-up plan.  Okay, I do.  But, I don’t have a feasible one.  I don’t have a solid idea on what I should do if things don’t work out.  It may sound melodramatic, but these are the things I’m feeling.  And, ridiculous or not, I feel as though acknowledging my feelings is important.  I’m so scared that I won’t make it.  What if I get kicked out?  What if I can’t be a pharmacist?  What if I don’t learn the material appropriately?  What if they let me “pass” when I don’t deserve it – and what if I kill a patient?  What if I hurt someone – all in the sake of getting my goals to happen the way that I want them?  What happens if I was wrong?  What if I developed the wrong plan?

I don’t feel like I was wrong.  When I’m counseling patients for practice, I feel like the world fades away.  I feel as though I’m in my place – like the world dissolves and all that exists is the patient and the knowledge I have to help them.  I feel drawn to it. 

It is up to me to learn the material…but what if I need a second chance?  Perfection is a steep expectation.  Second chances aren’t bad.  It’ll put me behind.  But what really is behind?  This isn’t a race.  This is a journey.  The more worrisome part is what if the administration determines that I don’t deserve a second chance?  And then what do I do?

And the other reality: what gives any person the right to expect a second chance.  I mean, if I, as a pharmacist, work for a predicted forty years – and I am 99.9% accurate for all forty years, I will either kill or disable five people.  That is five more mistakes than is acceptable.  So, what gives me the right to even hope for a second chance if I cannot pull greater than a 70% on organs by the end of the semester?  How many more patients am I killing with that statistic?

But, this doesn’t really make me feel any better.  I’m still scared.  And, I still want to let the river banks of my eyes burst.  After all these years, it feels as though I’m in the final stretch…and I’ve hit the wall.  I have no more reserves and I’m trying to push through.  I honestly don’t know what to do.